Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
