I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
