I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
