I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
