i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
