Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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