Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
