its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
