I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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