I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My liver just broke up with me...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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