I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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