Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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