No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize