i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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