dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It's rum buckets o'clock
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
