You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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