my vag is so smooth its legendary
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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