she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
why do cheetos always look like penises
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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