I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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