K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize