Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
