Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I looked at my own cervix.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
