I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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