life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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