I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
