Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
