last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
