The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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