Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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