someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
