what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
