Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
