you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
