I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize