It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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