Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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