I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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