Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
50% drunk capacity currently
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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