I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
