Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
