i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
