Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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