two words: eviction party
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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