girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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