one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
