anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
