I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
