New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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