How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
