my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
