6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
