stop calling my apartment porn island.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
