I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Hippo gnu deer
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
