Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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