I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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