Where is the hickey?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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