she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
