So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
