i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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