Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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