I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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