You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
