He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
the liver wants what the liver wants
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
