i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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