Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
wow bdsm is so cute
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
